California Summer
by charmedmarie
Summary: Takes place after graduation. Brooke and Peyton are headed for a summer together in California. Peyton has put on a great show making everyone believe she's doing better. Can Brooke help her find the truth. Heavy Breyton friendship, maybe more later
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so I've written stories for Charmed before, but this is my first OTH fic.

This takes place after graduation. Peyton and Brooke are leaving all of Tree Hill behind for their summer in California. Will have strong Breyton friendship which may turn to something more later on. Will also have some what of a dark side. There will be mention of cutting, so if you don't like that kinda thing, please don't read.

Peyton sat in the window seat looking out at the sea of clouds and blue from beyond the wing of the air plane. Everything seemed so peaceful from this height, almost as if she could open the window and reach out, she would be able to touch heaven. God she wished it were that simple. Since the whole thing with pscyoDerek, she still wasn't the same. It was like a piece of her was lost. Sure, she and Brooke had talked to him, they had gotten to the bottom of the stalker thing. Psyco boy was in jail, where he would stay. That wasn't really what bothered her, it was the fact that she had let him get to her. She let him get into her head, and to her, that made her weak.

She told Brooke things were better, only because she couldn't stand the way Brooke looked so worried all the time. She felt like she was a burden on Brooke, and that wasn't fair. She looked to her right and her best friend. Brooke was sleeping, and to Peyton's relief she was sleeping peacefully. Normally, since she and Brooke had moved into the apartment, Peyton would wake only to find Brooke watching her, as if to protect her from her dreams, from her own mind. She still had her nightmares, but she wouldn't let Brooke know that. Sometimes she wondered if Brook even slept at all. Thankfully, right now, there was no doubt in her mind that Brooke was at least sleeping.

She wondered what Brooke was dreaming about. Maybe her backseat trip with Chase? Brooke told her all about that. Maybe she was dreaming about the summer they were about to have in California. She and Brooke were suppose to spend the summer with Brooke's mom. Brooke would get to have quality time with her while Peyton would do her intern-ship thing. But, as usual, nothing went according to plan. Brooke's mom had called and told her that she would be out of town. Some kind of business thing or something. But it had it's upside, she and Brooke would have the great house on the beach to themselves.

"Can't wait to see how it goes." Peyton sighed to herself as she went back to her daydreams in the clouds.

*****************************************

What seemed like a lifetime later their plane had finally landed and they had finally been able catch a cab to the beach house. She watched as Brooke pulled the keys out.

"Ok P. Sawyer, here we go. The first day of what looks to be like a very promising summer." Her excitement showed through in the big bright smile she held on her face.

Peyton had to smile with her, that was the happiest she had seen Brooke in a very long time.

As the door opened they were both in awe at what they saw. The place looked like something straight from the movies. It was two stories, three bedrooms and a bathroom on the second floor, everything else on the first. Both the girls made their way up the stairs. "Ok P., your rooms right here." Brooke opened the door proudly displaying the guest room.

She turned to leave but was stopped by a hand that grabbed her, almost in a state of panic.

"Sorry." Peyton drew her hand back almost embarrassed.

"What's a matter Peyton?"

"Just um...where's your room at?" Peyton tried to sound more curious than frightened.

"Oh." Brooke looked at her, almost as if she was trying to read her mind. Peyton saw the look change to concern pretty quickly. "Hey P., we're safe here, I promise. But, to put your mind at ease...." Brooke walked over to the side of Peyton's room, sliding the double doors that opened up straight to her own room. "See, I'm not far at all. This works out great. We can see each other anytime and when you decide I'm being to bitchy for you, you can just close the doors."

"Thanks Brooke." She leaned into her, hugging not just to go along with the thanks, but to feel the safeness she always felt when she was with Brooke.

Brooke felt a flip in her stomach. _What was that about_. She shook the thought, maybe it's just my nerves. That's all it could be. "So..." Brooke pulled back from Peyton. "Why don't you get settled in. I'm gonna drop my bags in there and then I'm headed to the kitchen to see what the food situation looks like."

"K." She watched as Brooke made her way though the double doors, stopping just long enough to drop the bags before she headed out. "Safe.......easier said than done B. Davis." She lifted one of her bags onto the bed unzipping it. She looked back to make sure Brooke hadn't returned before taking a pair of jeans out. Sliding her had into the back pocket she pulled out what had become her second best friend. Her first was Brooke, it'd always be that way. This second friend, helped her to feel just a little less weak. With this, she was in control of her pain, hell she in control of everything. She watched as the light almost made the razor blade shine a little.

She had to be careful where she cut. It had to be someplace Brook wouldn't see, and seeing as how they were now at the beach that would be a little more difficult. She never cut deep, that would leave a scar and she would surely have to explain where it came from. In the beginning it had been her forearms, but when she found out she would be with Brooke this summer she stopped cutting there. Her new destination had become the top of her thighs, just high enough that a wrap around would cover it up. That way she could still were a bikini, but no one would ever know.

Quilt hit her as she thought about it. If Brooke knew she would be so disappointed. "That's why you'll never know."


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks a lot to everyone that reading this. Like I said it my first OTH fic. Your reviews have been great. I know when I started I didn't really know if it would only stay as friendship or progress into something more. You can tell in this chapter which way I decided to spin it. Once again thanks, and I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 2– I Think I'm Falling

Brooke lay on her bed later that night. She could still hear the water running from Peyton's shower. They ended up having to order take out since the only thing edible in the house was a pack of crackers. She had sat with Peyton earlier and made a list of groceries as well other things they were going to need. They planned on going out tomorrow, just to spend a day together. Her parent's had left the Jeep there, which she dearly hated driving.

Brooke had wondered how her friend was doing, deep down she feared it wasn't good. Peyton had grown distant since they had talked to Derek/Ian, whatever the hell his name was. She had really thought that after going to see him things would be different, especially when they had uncovered the real reason why he was so set on her. Sometimes she wondered if Peyton was really ok or just putting up a front.

She remembered way too clearly everything that had happened on their prom night. The fear that Peyton had held in her eyes, the force that she had hit her with. She knew Peyton had only hit her to protect her from him, but it still hurt like hell. All the nights afterward that Peyton would wake up, sweat soaked and reaching for every breath she took. That's what hurt Brooke the most, knowing how bad her best friend was hurting, and there was nothing she could do to help her. Peyton had seemed ok on the surface, but something still wasn't right. She knew she'd figure it out, it was just a matter of when.

In the shower, Peyton propped one hand on the wall, letting the water cascade down her back. She tried not to think, but being her own worst enemy, she couldn't help it. Her thoughts went to her moms, God she missed them. She thought about her dad and how he loved her but was never really able to be there for her. She thought about Ian, the way he had told her she led him on, she was a tease. She couldn't really feel the tear as it fell, but she knew it was there non the less.

She took a quick look at her arms, the pale pink scars were there, but not really noticeable unless you were really looking for them. Her thighs paled in comparison. There were some marks that were longer than others, some that had faded and the more recent ones that hadn't. It was amazing to her that Lucas had never noticed them. Sometimes she almost hoped he would see them, help her to stop lying. _Guess he was too busy looking at other parts of my body_. The thought didn't even make her smile. Lucas was almost like a dream you couldn't remember when you woke up. He didn't seem to matter to her right now.

She reached her hand out, pulling the razor from next to her shower gel. She let a small sob escape her lips as she thought about the blade in her hand. Sitting down now, she held the blade just a hair above her leg. Wondering now if when she cut it would give her the same relief that it had so many times before. Her hand trembled slightly as she lowered the blade to her leg, applying just enough pressure.

"P. Sawyer, you ok in there." Brooke stood just outside the door, swearing she had just heard a sob from in there.

Peyton wasn't expecting the voice, which made her hand jump. The blade going further than she anticipated. _Too deep_. She thought to herself. Another small sob fell through her lips before she could stop it. _That hurt_.

Brooke had heard the second sob and institivly turned the knob. To her surprise the door was locked. "Peyton?" Still no answer. "Peyton, come on you're starting to scare me."

Panic took over for just a split second. She calmed herself a little by taking a few deep breaths before she spoke. She still held her hand applying pressure to her now bleeding thigh. "I'm ok, just got soap in my eyes." She hated lying, but the truth in this case was way worse.

Brooke could sense something wasn't right. "Doesn't sound like soap. When did you start locking the door?" She listened, almost holding her breath so she could hear beyond the door.

"I'll be out in a sec, I'm fine." _If I don't bleed to death. Thanks a lot Brooke._ She felt no relief this time, just panic as she watched her thigh continue to bleed.

"We both know you're lying Peyton. Come on, open the damn door."

Knowing how Brooke was and that she wouldn't give up Peyton slowly stood, letting the water continue to run hoping it would wash the blood stained water down the drain. "I'm coming, just give me a sec." She took tissue and wrapped it around her thigh, hoping it would hold just long enough for her to crack the door open so Brooke could see she was indeed alright. _Not really, but she's not gonna know that._ Wrapping a towel around her she was thankful it was long enough to cover the tissue. Trying to gather her composure she walked to the door, unlocking it and opening it just enough for her to peer out. "See, I'm fine. It's just soap."

Brooke eyed her suspiciously. She always thought it was just unbelievable how curly her hair was. Now that it was wet it hung almost in ringlets around her face. "You know good and well I can tell when you're lying. Will you talk to me, please?"

Peyton averted her gaze to the floor. She hated that Brooke could see right through her. "Can I just finish my shower, we'll talk when I get out." Never once did she look up. If she had Brooke would have seen the tears that threatened to fall.

"Sure." Brooke said in almost a whisper. "I'll be waiting when you get out."

Peyton closed the door, letting a sigh escape from her lips. She turned letting her back rest against the door, trying her best not to make a sound as she started to cry. Slowly she slid down until she was sitting on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, her knees pulled up to her chest. This was so hard for her. She wanted so bad to just go to Brooke and tell her that she was falling apart. She wanted to tell her that not a minute went buy that she didn't hurt. She wanted to let Brooke hold her as she cried, just so that she could feel safe for only a little while. She stayed that way for a few minutes until finally she thought about her new wound. She opened the towel and pulled the now red tissue back. The bleeding had stopped but she was almost certain that it was going to leave a scar.

Brooke sat on her bed, the bedroom door open so that she could see the bathroom door. After what seemed like forever to her the water was finally turned off. She watched and she waited, wondered if Peyton would actually open up to her.

The door to the bathroom finally opened and Peyton stepped out. She was dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a Fall Out Boy t-shirt. Her hair was still wet but pulled back with a scrunchy. Brooke wasn't sure, but she could have sworn she was walking with a slight limp. Still, Peyton didn't look her in the eye. Brooke watched her as she walked into her own room and sat down easily on the bed, her back to her.

After a few minutes Brooke stood up and walked through the double doors to where Peyton sat. She crawled up on the bed, taking her arms and wrapping them around the blonde girls shoulders. Almost instantly she could feel how Peyton was trembling. "Peyton honey you're shaking. Talk to me. Please don't shut me out."

Peyton closed her eyes, letting a tear fall as she heard the crack in her friends voice. "I'm just....it's just....I don't know Brooke. I think I'm just trying to adjust to being here." A lie. Not a bad one, but still a lie.

"You can talk to me, you know that right?" Brooke watched as she nodded. "Look at me Peyt." She leaned back a little, giving her friend room to turn around.

Slowly Peyton turned, still not looking into the big brown eyes that always made her feel so safe. Siting indian style she watched as Brooke took on of hands, slowly rubbing her thumb in a circle patter over the center of her palm. Peyton felt a small flutter in her stomach. Before she could think about she felt Brooke's other hand gently pushing her chin up giving her no choice but to look her in the eye.

"I know something's bothering you. I wish you could understand that when you're hurting, I am too. I can't help you unless you let me." Looking into her green eyes Brooke didn't see the girl she had know for over half her life. There was enough pain in that girls eyes to make her own get a little teary.

"I'm just not ready yet." Peyton's voice was barely above a whisper, but loud enough so that Brooke could hear her.

"Ok. But I'll be here when you are." Brooke started to get up but was unable to pull her hand away as Peyton tightened her grip. As if reading the young girls mind she asked her kindly, "You want me to sleep in here with you tonight?"

Peyton didn't say a word, only nodded. They laid down next to each other, Peyton resting her head on Brookes arm, snuggling into her. Brooke felt the heat from her friends breath as Peyton let a sigh escape her lips. Her stomach did that same flip flop as before and Brooke couldn't help but wonder if she was falling for the girl she held so close to her now.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks guys for reading and reviewing. Sorry its taken longer than I had planned but like gets in the way sometimes. I'm glad you're enjoying it and please keep the reviews coming. Thanks again.

Chapter 3 Revelations and Unexpected Visitors

Peyton lay there, her head resting on Brooke's chest. They had been this way for nearly an hour. She could hear her best friends heart beating. It was a steady rhythm that had always put her mind at ease. Brooke's hand rested somewhere in the blonde curls, twirling them round her finger like she always did. Peyton knew Brooke wasn't sleeping, she could tell that just by the sound of her breaths. They were steady, but not like when she was sleeping. She knew Brooke wanted to talk, but she didn't know if she could do that yet. She had thought this trip would be a good idea, maybe help her with her little "problem", but yet she had already slipped and they hadn't even been there a day.

A low sigh escaped from her lips as she snuggled closer to her friend. Brooke had always made her feel safe. That was the problem now, she was feeling too damn much. Sometimes she felt it would be so much easier if she were just numb. She had lost control of herself somewhere along the line. She knew it had a lot to do with the attack. She shuddered at the thought.

"Peyton?" Brooke couldn't tell if she was dreaming or maybe just thinking, either way she felt that.

"Yea." Her voice was low almost sad.

"I know you don't want to talk and I don't want to push it, but I'm gettin worried here. I'm here for you P. Sawyer." Brooke could feel the blonde tense up at the mention of talking. "I just don't want to loose you again."

"You're not gonna loose me Brooke. It's just, I'm just...nevermind." She wanted to tell her, God she wanted to let her in.

"If you don't wanna talk, do you wanna listen." Brooke felt her friend nod and decided that maybe if she opened up her friend would follow her lead. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Peyton asked confused.

"I was a horrible person to you after you told me how you felt about Lucas. If I hadn't been, maybe I could have protected you from Derek."

"Brooke, that's not your fault. You know that, right?" Peyton looked up meeting Brooke's gaze.

"It's just, if I had been there instead of shutting you out things may have been different. You may not have been so easy to trust him."

"We both made mistakes then Brooke, I don't blame you. Besides, if hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be here now."

"You know when we weren't talking, it was horrible for me. There were so many times that I wanted to call you, or just come over to your house and see you. There's something about you P. Sawyer that just makes me feel safe." She tightened her grip on the blonde, hoping that somehow she wouldn't ever have to let go. "I just want you to talk to me, let me be your safe place."

Sighing and knowing it was killing her to hurt her friend this way Peyton leaned up on her elbow, propping her head on her hand. "I broke up with Lucas before I left." She watched as Brooke's face showed that of shock, and something else, something she couldn't place.

"You broke up, why?"

"I just didn't feel like it was right anymore. I don't feel right anymore." She dropped her eyes so that Brooke couldn't see into them. When Brooke looked in her eyes it was almost like she could see into her soul. She knew she couldn't handle that right now. "I'm so screwed up right now. I've been...I've...Brooke I've done some things that I'm not really proud of." She knew there was shame in her voice.

Brooke nodded, noticing her friend wouldn't look her in the eye. "What kind of things Pey?"

Peyton thought carefully on how to answer that. If she told Brooke about the cutting then it may make things worse. What if Brooke hated her for it? Or worse, she knew she couldn't handle Brooke looking at her with pure disappointment in her eyes. "I don't think I'm ready to talk about that part yet." She held her breath, so worried about what her friend was thinking.

"Ok." Came the raspy voice. It wasn't full of anger, not even a little, just laced with worry.

Peyton laid her head back on Brooke's shoulder, nestling back comfortable before she spoke again. "I'm scared Brooke." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"I know. We'll work through it, ok?" She felt the blonde nod and listened as her friend's breathing evened out and after a while she knew she had finally fallen asleep. _I've done some things I'm not really proud of._ The words played over and over in her head. What the hell did they mean. She knew it couldn't be drugs, Peyton promised never to do that again and Peyton never broke a promise. This only made her worry more, it scared her more. What else was there she could have done? She laid there and worried until sleep finally came to her.

____________________________________________________________________________

The morning came and when Brooke finally let the invading sunlight make her eyes open she couldn't help but smile. She noticed Peyton still laying on her chest but there was something else. There was a long lanky leg that was carelessly thrown over her own. Peyton's arm was also wrapped tightly around her waist, almost as if she were holding on to make sure that Brooke couldn't go anywhere. Brooke's hand was still lost somewhere in the mess of blonde curls, she couldn't help but let out a content sigh when she could still hear the even breaths of the blonde. Peyton had slept through the night, no nightmares. Apparently she had slept comfortably too. Brooke let herself get lost in her thoughts until the sound of someone clearing their throat from the doorway caught her attention.

"My, my, aren't we cozy."

Blinking hard to make sure she wasn't imagining things Brooke smiled a timid smile. "Rachel?" She carefully pulled her body from the blondes, hoping not to wake her. She walked over taking in the sight of the redhead fully now.

"You know, I always wondered about the two of you." A sly grin crossed her face.

"It's not like that." Brooke was shaking her head as she spoke. "What are you doing here, better yet how'd you get in here?"

"Front door was unlocked, and you emailed me the address. Thought I'd drop, that is ok with you, right?" She narrowed her eyebrows, hoping she hadn't assumed wrong in coming here.

"Yea, it's fine." Brooke smiled as she leaned over, hugging her friend. "Come on, I don't want to wake her." She grabbed the redhead's hand, pulling her down the stairs. They made their way to the kitchen both taking a seat at the table.

"So, what's up slut." Rachel still had that sly grin.

"I could ask you the same thing skank. What happened to you being with your parents?"

"Well you can only handle so much of those two at a time. I'm actually here for a modeling job. Thought I'd crash your beach house, although you and Peyton cuddling up isn't exactly the party I had pictured." The redhead stopped as she saw the look of panic cross Brooke's face. "I really did wonder how long it would be before the two of you hooked up."

"Trust me Rach, it's not like that." She had hoped the disappointment couldn't be heard in her voice.

"You sure, cause blondie sure did look comfortable up there." Brooke still wouldn't meet her gaze, staring intently at her own hands. "Have you told her how you feel?"

Brooke couldn't hide the shock on her face as she looked up. "How did you know how I felt, hell I didn't even know."

"Actually, I didn't know for sure until just now." Rachel reached her hand across the table, placing it on top of Brookes. "Just tell her."

The raspy voice spoke up in a hushed tone. "Now's not the time. Peyton's so....she's just....I don't know Rachel, she so broken right now. I don't think finding out that her best friend's in love with her would help the situation."

"So it's love, huh? Maybe that's exactly what she needs." She watched as Brooke nodded, still trying to deal with the revelation of her feelings. "So, do you mind if I crash here?"

Brooke pulled herself from her thoughts. "Yea, it's no problem at all. Maybe you can help me with her." She looked up and caught sight of the devious grin playing on Rachel's face. "Not like that."

Rachel smiled. "Don't worry, I'm not into blondes." She gave Brooke a wink before standing up. "So I'm gonna catch a shower if that's alright."

Brooke nodded. "Upstairs, first door on the right." She watched as the red head got up and started for the stairs, only to turn around before stepping up.

"Thanks Brooke."

"No problem." Brooke watched as Rachel started up the stairs, leaving her to think about what she had said. A smile made it's way across her lips as she thought about it. _I really am in love with my P. Sawyer_.


	4. Chapter 4

The song in here is Tourniquet by Evanescence. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.

Chapter 4 You're Not Too Lost to Be Saved

The blonde lay there, slowly opening her eyes. Man the sun was bright, like an intruder on some very peaceful sleep. Looking around she took in her surroundings. It was then she remembered the night before. She realized too that the brunette was now gone.

"I bet you ran her off."

Startled she looked up, seeing the face she hadn't seen in so long now. Not since the whole thing with Elle.

"So I'm not awake?"

"You tell me." The girl smirked. It was the same bitchy angel of death version of Peyton.

"Obviously I'm not if I'm talking to the goth bitch again."

"I thought I explained that already. I'm you blondie. Wait, I forgot about the blonde hair, maybe I do need to explain again."

"No, no need for that. So why now, you've been gone for so long why come back now? I dealt with my feelings for Elle, so why the hell are you back? Nobody's dying now."

"You sure bout that?" Goth girl smiled a little as she walked over, sitting on the bed in front of Peyton. "Those scars on your arm tell me different. So do the ones on your legs."

"That's not killing me, and besides that I'm trying to stop." The blonde averted her gaze.

"Yea well, what happens when that little voice in your head...wait, that's me...not the point. What happens when I win? What happens when you don't stop and I push you even further." She raised her eyebrows, a smirk playing at her lips.

"You won't win." Still she didn't look herself in the eye.

"Really, cause I think I already have. Let's see, you cut yourself just to not feel, you broke up with the boy that you were sooo in love with, wait though, that's not right now is it."

This pulled the blondes eyes up to meet those of her darker self. "What's that suppose to mean?"

"I think you know. It's not him you were in love with now is it Peyton?" She raised her eyebrows, showing that all knowing look that she was right.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Peyton started to stand but was quickly stopped by a hand reaching up, slowly tracing the very light scars that were still there. Her eyes locked on the mistakes she had made there.

"You cut because you're too scared to feel what you know you have to."

She looked up, ready to argue but the figure had vanished. She blinked, realizing that she was now still laying in the bed. Pulling the covers back to stand she could hear the shower running. She started down the stairs, praying there was some coffee in the house. She rounded the corner to turn into the kitchen.

Brooke looked up from the table. "Morning sleepy."

Confused, Peyton looked from Brooke back up the stairs. "If you're down here, then who's in the shower?"

She had to smile, confused and just woke up Peyton was too adorable. "That would be Rachel. Looks like she came to crash our summer." She watched as Peyton nodded. "You ok with that?"

"Yea, it's cool." The blonde drew her arms up, hugging herself. It was starting to come back to her, their conversation from the night before. She realized now that this kitchen was bright in mornings, so bright that hiding her scars may not be that easy in here.

"You ok?" Brooke notice the girl tense up.

"Huh, um yea, I'm fine. I think I'm just a little cold."

"Seriously? It's like 90 degrees outside." She stood, placing a hand on the blondes forehead. "You don't feel like you have a fever."

"I'm fine, you worry too much." She gave her best fake smile.

Just as she pulled her hand back from her friends forehead Rachel popped around the corner. "What, no breakfast?" She looked at the two and just shook her head before making her way to sit at the table.

"Well, we're suppose to go today to get some food for this place. But I think Peyton here may be catching a cold." Brooke looked back to her friend.

"I told you, I'm fine."

"Well." Rachel looked from the blonde to the brunette. "Why don't you go get us some grub and I'll babysit goldielocks here."

"Dude, I don't need a babysitter."

"Dude, don't call me dude." Rachel smiled, knowing she was hitting a nerve on the blonde.

"That actually sounds like a good idea, if you two don't end up killing each other." Brooke smiled as Peyton stuck her tongue out at Rachel.

"Then it's settled." Rachel watched as Brooke nodded and started up the stairs to get ready.

"Sooo." Rachel started, wondering if the blonde wanted to talk.

"Good seeing you to Rach." She turned around heading for the stairs. "I'm gonna go get some clothes on."

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Thirty minutes had passed and Brooke was now headed for the door, finally ready to go shopping. She noticed Rachel sitting alone in the living room. "You ok there red?"

Rachel looked up, smiling weakly back at her. "Just peachy."

"Well, I'm heading out now, Peyton's still up stairs, I think she's listening to some music." She walked a little closer, checking the stairs to make sure Peyton wasn't making her way down. "Do you think maybe you can talk to her, maybe she'll open up to you."

"Tell you what, bring us back some fresh doughnuts, and I'll do my best." She smiled as Brooke nodded and walked out the door. Sighing, she looked up the stairs. This was by no means going to be easy.

She was standing outside of Peyton's room, listening to the song that played. She had heard it before, it was by Evanescence.

_I tried to kill the pain  
But only brought more (so much more)  
I lay dying  
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
Am I too lost  
To be saved?  
Am I too lost?_

My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation

Do you remember me?  
Lost for so long  
Will you be on the other side?  
Or will you forget me?  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screamingAm I too lost  
To be saved?  
Am I too lost?

My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation

(Return to me salvation)

(Ohhhhhh)

(I want to die)

My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation

My wounds cry for the grave  
My soul cries for deliverance  
Will I be denied?  
Christ? (Christ)  
Tourniquet

"Interesting song." She watched as Peyton jumped.

"Oh, sorry was it too loud?" Peyton picked up the remote, turning the volume down.

"Actually I don't think it was loud enough." She eyed the girl as she crossed over, sitting on the edge of the bed across from her.

"So, you like Evanescence?" Peyton watched as the red head shook her head no.

"They're ok. What I meant was if you had played it a little louder maybe someone would have noticed."

Peyton looked at her, confused. "Noticed what?"

Rachel let out the breath she had been holding in. "Well, I took a shower when I got here this morning. I found this beside the shampoo." She opened her hand revealing the small razor blade.

Peyton's face went to panic mode as looked from Rachel's eyes to the blade. Not just any blade, hers.

"I also notice blood on the towel in their." Rachelwatched as the blonde still hadn't taken her eyes off of the piece of metal in her hand. "How long Peyt?"

Her face felt like it was literally on fire. There was no way out of this, no way to lie and cover it up. She felt hot tears that threatened to fall, still she couldn't look up to meet the red heads eyes. "A couple of months." Her voice was barely audible.

Running a hand through her hair, Rachel reached out taking the blondes hands and quickly turning them to inspect the parts that weren't immediately visible. She could see the scars, they were faint, but they were there. "Let me guess, the new ones are where no one can see?"

Peyton nodded. A single tear fell onto the bead spread.

"You want it back?" Rachel's voice held no anger, no judgement, just curiosity.

She looked up, shocked at the question. She looked from the blade back to Rachel. "I really am trying to stop."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I really don't know how to answer that." She lowered her eyes, ashamed that she couldn't just simply answer with no.

"Do you really want to die?" Her voice cracked as she asked the question. When Peyton looked up she could see the girls big brown eyes watery. Tears just ready to fall.

She shook her head no. She didn't want to die, she just didn't want to feel.

"Good answer. You're not too lost to be saved." She reached out, pulling the girls thin, fragile frame into a tight hug. "We'll get you through this."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 Confess

After what seemed for forever, Peyton finally pulled herself from Rachel's embrace. She couldn't bring herself to look her in the eye. She was feeling so many emotions. This was why she started doing this to herself in the first place. Feeling just wasn't something she wanted to do anymore.

Rachel watched as Peyton began to pull at some invisible piece of thread from the comforter. She sat the razor on the bed and watched to see if she would even look at it. To her relief, she never even glanced at it. She hadn't been really close to Peyton before, she wasn't able to because of Brooke in the beginning. She had used Peyton once to try and get to Brooke, that was of course before her limo dive into the river. She had changed after that, and she mainly had to give credit to Brooke for the change. Brooke had given her a chance at friendship when she knew she didn't deserve it. Brooke looked past the bitchy deceitful exterior and saw a heart that was worth a risk.

She had also watched silently as Brooke's heart broke for Peyton back then. With the two of them arguing all the time Brooke was a different person. That was when Rachel knew deep down there was more than friendship between the two, though she could never bring herself to confront Brooke about it. She didn't really know what to say to her. So, she buried the thought, with no mention of it to her friend. She did ask Brooke to make things right with Peyton before prom. She had hoped if they could get their friendship back on track that maybe the rest would finally fall into place.

"You want to talk about it?" The red head tried to hide any emotion from her voice. She didn't want to intimidate or hurt the broken girl in front of her.

"Not really." That was the only response she got, the girl still couldn't look her in the eye.

"Well, you can talk to me, but better than that you can talk to Brooke."

"I can't."

Confused, she watched as the blonde still played with the comforter. "Why?"

"Last time I was honest with Brooke it didn't exactly go very well. I can't loose her again. I wouldn't make it this time if I did." She shuddered as she thought about everything that had been said in that time. The hardest thing for her was thinking about Brooke's comment about how her I love you's sent people to their grave. Brooke had been her rock when her moms died, but that all changed with her confession about her feelings for Lucas.

"You do know this isn't the same, right? That was a big mess because of one guy. Yes, Brooke was bitchy about that, but that's in the past. You know she was miserable without you. It hurt her because she felt like you betrayed her, but the worst part was not being able to be close to you. She loves you Peyton, a lot more than you give her credit for."

"I just don't want to disappoint her again." Looking up she met the gaze of those big concerned brown eyes.

Rachel could see now all the hurt this girl actually felt. She looked so lost and vulnerable. Nothing like the girl she had first met back in Tree Hill. That girl was confident and held no fear, yes maybe a little emo, but still, very much full of life. This new Peyton was nothing like that, and it really scared her. "Tell you what, your secret is safe with me, for now. I'm gonna trust you, not to hurt yourself anymore. I'm also gonna trust you to talk to Brooke. You know as well as I do, she'll help you with this. I think maybe she's really the only one who can."

They both jumped a little as they heard the front door slam.

"I'm back." Came the raspy voice that could only belong to Brooke.

"I'm gonna go help her with the food." Rachel stood and started to the door. "Just think about what I said." With that she slipped out the doorway, but stopped just beyond Peyton's view. She watched as Peyton's eyes caught sight of the blade that she had purposely left laying on the bed. With a disappointed sigh, she watched as the blonde turned and put it in the drawer of the bedside table.

"A little help would be nice here!!" Again Brooke was calling.

Rachel turned and started down the stairs, debating on whether or not she could trust Peyton to stop. As she came into the kitchen she had to laugh at Brooke trying to balance the bags enough to sit them down. "That must be the most manual labor you've done in your life."

"Ok, first, you may want to be nice to me, since I did pick up your damn doughnuts. Second, you could at least help me since this food will be feeding all of us."

Rachel made her way over and began to help Brooke with the bobbling bags.

Brooke glanced at the stairs before turning to Rachel, all seriousness back in her expression. "So, you talk to her?"

Biting her lip Rachel wondered what the best thing to do was. Violating the blondes trust may not be the best answer. Running a hand through her long red hair she sighed. Maybe she could work her way around all of it. "I did. I can tell you that there's more going on than what you know, I just can't tell you what it is."

Brooke looked confused. "Well, can you at least tell me what I need to do?"

The red head reached out, taking one of Brooke's hands into her own. "You know I'm not that great with the whole knowing what to say thing, in fact I usually screw that up. But on this, I promised Peyton I wouldn't tell you everything. I do think that you seriously need to talk to her, tell her how you really feel."

"I can't do that Rach, what if it freaked her out. She's already slipping away from me, it's like she's trying to just shut down."

"Listen to me Brooke, the only person here that really gets that girl, is you. I know you're worried about her not being herself lately, but there is so much more to it than that. If you want to help her, I mean really help her and maybe even save her, your going to have to trust your heart. You're going to have to trust Peyton before she can trust you."


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, so I'm an insomniac that can't sleep at the moment. After posting chapter 5 I just couldn't let it go. So, here's chapter 6. I'll give a warning to the content, it does imply rape, but nothing graphic. You've been warned. Thanks again for reading, and reviewing is love.

Chapter 6 Nightmares

She could hear Brooke and Rachel downstairs, just mumbled voices though, she couldn't tell exactly what they were saying. She lay back on the bed, not really realizing how tired and weak she had become. It wasn't long until her mind went blank and her breathing evened out, she was sleeping. Sometimes she would actually dream good things, things that she really wanted to happen, things she really wanted to say. Sometimes sleep wasn't really that bad. This, unfortunately, wasn't one of those times.

In her mind she was back in the apartment, hers and Brooke's apartment. She was laying back on the bed, radio blaring Fall Out Boy, just thinking random thoughts.

"_Hey buddy."_

_She sat up to see Brooke standing in the doorway. Her long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. She was wearing a red shirt with spaghetti straps and blue jeans. _

"_Hey." Sliding over she made room for Brooke to sit down._

"_I've got something to tell you P. Sawyer." Her voice was almost cold. No caring, no concern, nothing._

"_Ok, I'm listening." She hoped the little bit of fear she had felt hadn't seeped into her voice._

"_Well Peyt, it seems you talk in your sleep." _

_Almost instantly she felt her mind flash back to Jake and the way she had blurted out her feelings for Lucas subconsciously. _

"_Is that a bad thing?"_

"_It is when you confess that you have feelings for your best friend." Brooke stood, walking in front of her, blocking the door off just incase the girl wanted to escape. "Anything you'd like to say now?" _

_She sat there silent, trying to look past Brooke to the door. The tone of Brooke's voice wasn't happy, and she really didn't like the glare she was receiving either. Peyton hated the feeling of being trapped. She had every since Ian. _

"_I think you were right, she does lead people on." Brooke was now looking over Peyton's shoulder._

_She didn't want to look, but fear and curiosity took hold of her. Turning, she saw him. Blood still pouring from the open wound in his chest, that same sickening smile across his face. "You're in jail, I saw you in jail."_

"_Now is that anyway to say hello?" He smiled as he looked at Brooke. "She's still just a tease."_

"_I think you're right Ian, when she's sleeping, she's in love with me, but when she's awake it's a different person." All in one motion, Brooke stepped aside so that Ian was now standing between Peyton and the door._

"_Maybe we should teach your best friend here some manners." _

_She felt his hands on her shoulders, pushing her back hard on the bed. She started to fight, throw a punch, anything, but realized her hands were being pinned down. Looking from Ian she saw Brooke above her, both hands with a grip on her's holding them down to the bed._

"_Brooke, please..... help me." She pleaded. This wasn't happening, not like this. _

"_Help you Pey, you won't let me." Pinning down one of Peyton's arms with her knee she let her free had trace the scars there on her arm. "You don't trust me to help you. Hell, you don't even trust me to love you."_

_Panic took over, she felt paralyzed. She couldn't move, she could barely breath. She could feel Ian pulling on her pajama bottoms, easily pulling them off. She could feel the cold air as it hit her bare skin, sending a shiver through her body. She wouldn't look at him, that would make it too real. Somewhere in everything she found her voice, if you could call it that. "Brooke, you're hurting me."_

"_Hurting you? I'm hurting you? That's real rich Peyton. You screwed around behind my back with Lucas, not once but twice. You told me I was dead to you, Ian here will be my witness to that, and last but not least, I could really have loved you, but look at what you've done to yourself. It wasn't drugs this time, I guess I could give you a gold star for that."_

_She felt her body tense up, still trying so hard to get her hands free from the brunette's grasp. Looking back down she saw Ian, his knees pressing against her bare thighs holding them apart. "Don't....please, don't do this."_

"_Too late." He smirked as he shoved his body forward._

"_BROOKE!!!" She screamed, pleaded, one more time as pain wracked her body._

"Peyton!!"

"_Don't let him do this, please Brooke."_

"Peyton!!!"

"_Help me....please."_

"Peyton, open your eyes, just look at me."

She could feel hands on her arms more strongly now. She struggled trying her best to break free from them, gasping for any air that her lungs could take in.

"Peyton!! Open your eyes damnit!!!!!"

Looking up she saw a difference in Brooke this time. Her hair wasn't in a ponytail, instead it fell around her face. Her eyes weren't cold either, they were laced with concern, worry, even fear. The grip loosened a little on her arms.

"It was a bad dream Peyton, just a nightmare."

Everything that had happened had seemed so real and she just couldn't shake it from her mind. She felt as a hand brush her hair back from her face. Too quickly she darted off the bed, her mind racing. "You let him do it Brooke. You helped him hold me down, you said he was right, I just lead people on." She backed away from the brunette. Her words spoken between sobs.

"I'd never do that to you Peyt, you know that." Brooke took a step closer but stopped when she watched as Peyton backed up further, her back hitting the wall behind her. "That wasn't real, it was just a dream."

"No, no it wasn't. I could feel him, I could smell his cologne, I could smell your perfume. You said...you said" Her mind clicked. It had really been a dream. She was so confused and she knew the girl in front of her could see that.

Brooke took a step forward, her hands held cautiously in front of her. "It's me P. Sawyer. It's the Brooke that was there when your mom died, the me that was their when you got your first training bra. I'm not the Brooke from that dream. I'm the Brooke who is here for you, and who's never gonna leave you. Ok?"

Peyton looked up, breath still ragged, heart still racing. But the Brooke that was there in front of her was not the one she had seen with Ian. She let herself fall into her arms. Both girls shrinking to the floor. She cried harder than she had in a long time. Just thinking of what dream Brooke was doing to her, what she was saying to her, it tore her apart.

"I would never hurt you Peyton. Please believe me on that." Brooke felt the blonde nod in her chest as she continued to hold her, she could feel her trembling. Looking up, Brooke caught site of Rachel standing in the doorway, big brown watery eyes staring back at her.

She had been standing there the whole time, part of her wanting to help, but part of her knowing that Brooke had to be the one their for Peyton right now. She felt a tear as it fell, but didn't bother to wipe it away. She nodded to Brooke and mouthed, _talk to her_. Brooke nodded back as Rachel turned and started down the hallway.

Peyton still sat, curled into Brooke. Her breaths had slowed but she was still a little shaky. She was able to find her voice once again and finally spoke. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Brooke wasn't sure she wanted to hear anymore about the dream, but the only way for her best friend to heal was for her to be there to listen.

"I'm sorry you saw me like this."

Pushing her back gently, Brooke cupped Peyton's face in her hand, tilting the girls head up so that their eyes were meeting. "Don't do that. Don't make this out to be some kind of burden or something you're embarrassed about. It's not like that and you know it. You've seen me on my worst days, and you always helped me make it through them. It's my turn to do that now, and there's no where else I'd rather be." Sighing, she let the question out that she knew she needed an answer to. "What did I say..... in your dream?"

Peyton tensed at the question. She couldn't keep doing this though. She thought back to her conversation with goth chick, _what happens when I push you too far?_ The voice played over and over in her head. _Death almost seems like a good idea_. No sooner than she thought it, she regretted it. Why did this have to be so hard. She took in a long breath, breaking her stare from Brookes. "You said that I didn't trust you to help me, and that I didn't trust you to love me." That last part was almost a whisper, but she knew it had been heard.

"You do know I love you, right?" Her voice was even more raspy and Peyton knew it was because she was crying.

"I know Brooke, but I don't think you're gonna like me very much when I tell you the next part."

Brooke waited, tears still falling but she didn't care. Rachel's voice ran through her head, _you're gonna have to trust Peyton before she can trust you._ "Peyton, there's nothing you could say right now that would make the way I feel about you change. You mean everything to me, you're my heart."

Guilt started to flow though her now, she couldn't stop it. She pulled herself from Brooke's body, but still allowed her arm to drape over her shoulders. "You don't understand, you know when I told you that I had done things that I wasn't proud of?" She didn't look at her, but she knew she had to have nodded. "This is what I meant." She held her arm out, turning it over so that the scars weren't hidden anymore. She knew they weren't as prominent as they had been before, but you could still see them.

Brooke took hold of her arm, looking more closely now. There were dozens of tiny red scars, they went from just above the wrist up to at least the elbow. "I don't....wait, you did this?"

Peyton nodded.

"You did these to yourself?"

Again she nodded, still looking away.

"Why...how?"

"I used a razor to make the cuts. I can't explain to you how it makes me feel or how it makes me not feel. I just wanted to be numb. I didn't want to hurt anymore."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm mad as hell right now that you would do this, but these are old, right?"

"Those are. I had to hide them better when I found out I was coming to the beach with you."

"There's more?" Shock, disbelief, all that was terrifying to the blonde was there in Brooke's voice.

"Yea." She still wouldn't look up. "I guess you're pretty disgusted right now, huh? I must look pretty pathetic." She reached up, wiping yet another tear from her face.

"Mad, yes. Hurt, yes. Disgusted, no. Pathetic, never. Peyton you have been through so much in such a short time, I'm surprised you haven't done worse." She thought about it for a second. "You haven't done worse, right? I mean these weren't you......trying to kill yourself, were they?"

"No, Brooke. I just wanted an escape, something to make me feel less. I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to be scared, and I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved or to love you." She bit her lip. She did not by any means mean for that last part to come out.

"I know you love me Peyt, and I love you. But the truth is, I haven't exactly been honest with you either." She took in a deep breath. "I love you Peyton, more than anything, and more than just my best friend."

This got the girls attention. She looked up, her big green eyes meeting those brown ones that held her heart.

"I know that may be hard to hear, but in order for you to trust me, I need to trust you. It's ok if you don't...."

She wasn't able to finish, mainly because of the set of lips that now pressed firmly against hers.

_Fire_, Brooke thought. _I'm on fire_. Heat rushed up her body and could feel the urgency in the blondes kiss.

Peyton reached up, her hand tangling up in Brooke's hair. The kiss was new, but it held something familiar, almost like it was nothing but natural. She let herself get lost in it, until her chest began to burn. _Air, I need air_. She pulled away, separating herself from Brooke and taking in a deep breath. She watched as her friend did the same. _Oh. My. Damn_.

Brooke reached up, one finger resting lightly on her slightly swollen lips. Peyton had kissed her. Peyton freaking Sawyer had just kissed her.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7Trust Me

A million thoughts raced through the brunette's mind. She still breathed heavily, the kiss replaying in her mind. Her finger still rested on her lips. "Wow."

"Yea."

She smiled, realizing Peyton's breaths matched that of her own.

"You ok Brooke." Peyton watched as her friend pulled her finger down from her lips.

"Yea, I'm...I'm good. You?"

"You don't sound so convincing?"

"It's not that Pey, I'm just wondering if this is such a good idea." She watched as worry rushed over the blonde's face. "Not in the way you think." She moved closer, taking both of Peyton's hands into her own. "I don't regret that kiss. It was...I mean...Peyton is was perfect."

"I don't understand."

She could see the confusion in her eyes. She turned Peyton's arm over, revealing the scar's again. She freed her other hand from Peyton's and slowly traced over some of the scars. "I don't know if it's a good idea to rush into anything until we get you better."

"Oh." She bit her lip nervously, Brooke's touch sending tiny shiver's through her body. "I really am trying to stop. I promise."

"Trying to, and actually stopping are completely different things." She thought about it for a minute before speaking. "Where are the new ones?"

Peyton blushed. This was going to be a lot harder than she thought. She took her free and ran it across the top of her thigh.

"Do you trust me?" Brooke's voice was low and carried more emotion than she had ever heard from her.

She nodded.

"Show me the new ones."

"I'll be right back." Peyton stood, going over to her dresser grabbing a pair of shorts from the drawer and then disappearing into the bathroom.

"How'd it go?"

Brooke turned to see Rachel standing in the doorway. "It went ok, I think." She couldn't help but smile a little. "She kissed me."

"Really now?" Rachel smiled at first but her look changed when she saw Brooke's expression fall.

"I kinda told her we shouldn't rush anything until we got her better. She's been...."

"I know Brooke. I found out this morning, but I promised Peyton I would trust her to tell you." Rachel backed out of the doorway, Brooke following behind her. "I told her I would trust her to stop, but I'm worried it won't be that easy for her."

"I know, maybe between the two of us we can keep an eye on her, keep her from falling?"

"Maybe." Rachel sighed. "I'm gonna go downstairs and see what I can find online about it."

"Ok." She watched as Rachel turned to head down the stairs. "Hey Rach, thanks."

"No problem."

Just as Rachel cleared the last step Brooke heard the bathroom door open. She walked back into the room to the bed and waited as Peyton came in, her shorts showing off her very long and what seemed to be very flawless legs. Brooke had to shake her thoughts as she noticed Peyton watching her, waiting on her to pull her gaze from her legs.

"Were you just checking me out?" A slight blush creeped up on the blonde's cheeks.

"I um...well I was...hey that's not the point." It was Brooke's turn to blush. "Don't change the subject goldielocks."

Sitting on the bed beside her, the blonde let a rush of air escape her lips. "You promise you're not gonna like freak out right. I mean I already told you what I had been doing, and I really am trying to stop..."

"First, take a breath P. It's just me here. Still trust me?"

Peyton nodded as she lay one of her legs on the bed, pulling the hem up just enough to show the fresh cuts. She heard Brooke gasp and watched as Brooke took her fingers once more to trace the scars.

"This one Peyton.....this one looks recent."

"I did that one last night." She looked down at her hands, now feeling very ashamed of what she had done.

"Can I ask why? I mean I know you said you do it to be numb or whatever, but, what made you want to do it last night?"

Peyton shrugged. There wasn't really anything that had made her want to do it last night. It had become something she just did. "I don't really know Brooke. I guess it's kind of like a habit now."

"Do you think it's a habit you can break?" She watched as Peyton avoided eye contact.

"I hope so. I really am trying Brooke."

"I know, I know you are. What happened to using music or drawing to make things better? How'd you go from that to this?"

One word, one name was all Peyton could think of. "Ian." Ian had been the last thing that pushed her to this. "I don't really have faith in my drawings anymore, in music either."

Brooke thought for a moment, then smiled as she came up with an idea. "What do you say we restore that faith?"

Confused Peyton looked up at her this time. "What do you mean?"

"Well," Brooke shifted, pulling herself to a standing position. "Is there a song that makes you think of me, like with everything that's happened today?"

Smiling Peyton nodded.

"Ok, I have one that makes me think of you." She disappeared through the double doors briefly, coming back with her ipod in hand. Scrolling through she found the song and offered it to the blonde. Peyton reached for it, but stopped when Brooke pulled it back. "Where's my song at?"

Peyton smiled as she leaned back, getting her own ipod. Doing the same as Brooke she scrolled to the right song.

They exchanged ipods, but Peyton looked up from the screen frowning at Brooke. "Sugarland?" She asked.

"Just listen to it blondie." Brooke sat down beside her, pressing the play button. It was of course some rock song, she wouldn't have expected any different.

_How can you see into my eyes  
Like open doors?  
Lading you down into my core,  
Where I've become so numb._

Without a soul,  
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,  
Until you find it there and lead it back  
Home.  
(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside.  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside.  
(Save me)  
Call my name and save me from the dark.  
(Wake me up)  
Bid my blood to run.  
(I can't wake up)  
Before I come undone.  
(Save me)  
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without,  
You can't just leave me.  
Breathe into me and make me real.  
Bring me to life.

(Wake me up)  
Wake me up inside.  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside.  
(Save me)  
Call my name and save me from the dark.  
(Wake me up)  
Bid my blood to run.  
(I can't wake up)  
Before I come undone.  
(Save me)  
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Bring me to life.  
(I've been living a lie.  
There's nothing inside)  
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,  
Without your love, darling.  
Only you are the life among the dead.

(All of this sight,  
I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark  
but you were there in front of me)  
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.  
I've got to open my eyes to everything. (Without a thought  
Without a voice  
Without a soul  
Don't let me die here.  
There must be something more).  
Bring me to life.

Bring me to life.  
(I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside)  
Bring me to life  


As the music ended she knew she was crying. Was she really the only person that made Peyton feel alive? Did Peyton really feel like she was nothing? It made her heart hurt. Worse than that, it terrified her that Peyton really felt this lost.

At that same time Peyton was listening to Brooke's song for her. The music was slow, it was nice though.

_When the weight of the world bears down so strong  
You leave footprints on the street  
And there's too many miles to face  
Without a few more hours sleep  
The storm clouds overhead won't shed  
Any rain to quench your thirst  
I wanna be the one you reach for first_

When your faith is stretched so thin  
That you can see straight through your soul  
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile  
'Cause your pockets all got holes  
You wanna shut the door and hide  
Before the day can get much worse  
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Chorus:  
Fall into me  
My arms are open wide  
And you don't have to say a word  
'Cause I already see  
That it's hard and you're scared  
And you're tired and it hurts  
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

I wanna be the bottle  
You've been drinking with your eyes  
Or the road you run away on  
You've been running all your lifeThe third row pew  
That you last knew as a child in church  
I wanna be the one you reach for first  


As the song ended she notice that just like her, Brooke was crying. She wondered though if she could really let Brooke in. Could she just drop her guard and truly let her in?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8Let Me In

Rachel sat in front of the computer screen. She had found the reason why some people cut, what they felt, how they felt. It was unreal to her. This was Peyton. At least the girl upstairs use to be Peyton. She let her eyes scan the screen but found herself stuck on one line. One single line on that page truly scared her.

_Sometimes self-harm may accidentally go farther than intended, and a life-threatening injury may result._

She read and reread that line. It was the last line she wrote in her notes. It meant for some, death occurred by accident. "Well, it's not happening here." She spoke to herself as she picked up the notebook she had been taking notes on. Getting up she started for the stairs, she needed to talk to Brooke.

Brooke sat on the bed, taking in Peyton's features now. She was pale. Sure she had never been really tan or anything before, but she was really pale now.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Peyton half smiled as she asked.

"I'm just worried about you." She looked into Peyton's eyes, searching for something, just something to help her understand it. "Can you promise me you'll stop?"

Peyton looked back down at the comforter. Such a simple question, but she knew she couldn't honestly answer it. "I can try?" It was half a question itself.

"That's not an answer Peyt. I love you, and I'm going to do everything I can to get you through this. I don't know how I'm gonna get you passed this, but I do know that you have to want to get better."

"I do Brooke, more than anything." Peyton stood, walking over to the window taking in the full view of the beach. "I just don't want to lie to you. I don't want to make a promise to you that I might not be able to keep." She sighed as she watched the waves crash onto the beach. You would figure it would have a calming effect, you would think.

"Hey guys." Rachel walked in, notebook in hand. "We need to talk."

Peyton turned around, noticing right off the worry on the red heads face.

"Is that what you found?" Brooke asked, pointing to the book.

Rachel just nodded, walking further into the room.

"What are you talking about?" Peyton walked closer, taking the notebook from Rachel's hand. She read the words Rachel had written. The cause for cutting, the treatments, the statistics of it all. Her face changed to anger as she looked back at the two. "Is this what you think I am, some statistic?"

"No Peyton. That's just the stuff I found online, you know when I was looking for a way to help you." Rachel noticed the defensive stance that the blonde now held. This was not how she meant for it to go.

"Peyt, Rachel's just trying to help, we both just want you to get better." Brooke's tone was stern, but reassuring.

"You two can't even begin to understand. There's no way, and you're crazy as hell if you think I'm going some shrink or therapist. I'm not crazy." She shook her head as she backed away from the two of them.

"No one's saying you are. Rachel just looked it up so that we could try to understand it." Brooke walked closer, placing a hand on Peyton's arm. "We just want to help you."

Peyton nodded, knowing Brooke was being sincere. But the fact still was that she felt as if they were looking at her like she was some freak. Some nutcase who carved her own body just to be numb. Maybe they were right.

Rachel walked closer, pulling Brooke by the arm. Reaching out, she took the notebook back from Peyton. "We'll give you time to think about it, ok?" Rachel watched as Peyton nodded. "We will help you beat this." She pulled a reluctant Brooke out behind her, leading her to the other bedroom. Closing the door she turned back to face the brunette. "This is serious Brooke."

"You don't think I know that?"

Rachel reached out, handing Brooke the notebook. "Read the last line."

Brooke looked down, scanning to the bottom of the page. A small sigh escaped her.

"The scary part about that is it's true. She could make a mistake Brooke, just one mistake in a cut and we would lose her." Rachel watched as Brooke took it all in.

____________________________________________________________________________

Peyton stood there, still trying to make sense of everything. Rachel looked serious, though annoyed at her. She really hadn't meant to snap, but just thinking that they thought of her as maybe crazy, she couldn't handle that. She wasn't crazy, was she?

Then there was Brooke. Brooke had returned her kiss earlier and it was...it was just amazing. She had never felt so much from just one kiss. The main feeling, the main emotion she felt in that moment was love. Pure, undying, unconditional love. So why couldn't she answer her then, why couldn't she promise her she wouldn't do it again. _Because you're a horrible person blondie_. And there it was, Goth Bitch again, inside her head. That little irritating aggravating voice of truth. _You know you are, it's why Jake left, why you pushed Elle away, why Ian got the best of you, and more importantly it'll be the reason why you can never be happy with Brooke._

She was crying again. She was so sick of this. Crying was all she ever did anymore. She sobbed again as she made her way to the bed side table. _Numb, I just want to be numb_.

____________________________________________________________________________

Brooke read the reasons again. She found the one that fit Peyton. It was the one where cutting helped to heal a physical or emotional pain. If there was anything that Peyton knew, it was pain. Reading the words Brooke was surprised that it actually made sense. "What do we do Rachel, you heard her, she isn't going to go to a therapist." She could feel her eyes watering but didn't bother to hide it. This was Peyton, her P. Sawyer. She hurt for her, it wasn't something new, she always did hurt when Peyton hurt. She felt guilt more now. She knew that she had been the cause of a lot of her pain.

"Listen" Rachel reached out, taking Brooke's hands into hers, almost as if she had been reading her mind. "I know what it's like to almost self destruct. I'm not saying that what I went through is anywhere near what Peyton's dealing with now, I'm just saying I kind of get it. Blaming yourself isn't gonna help. Right now, Peyton needs that strong, confident, heart of gold Brooke Davis that I know you are. She'll lean on you more than she will me and that's ok. But you aren't alone in helping her. Yes, I know I can be a bitch, but you are the only real friend I've ever had. I'm here with you Brooke, remember that."

Brooke nodded as she leaned in, finding comfort in her friends hug. Rachel really was a leopard that changed its spots. "I'm gonna go talk to her. Maybe if we can keep her talking to us it'll keep her from slipping."

She turned, heading back for her blonde. Making her way to the bedroom, she saw that it was empty. Checking around she noticed that the bathroom door was cracked. Quietly, she walked toward it, pushing it slightly open. What she saw broke her heart. There, leaned over the sink with the blade was Peyton. She didn't get there quick enough, she could see the trickle of blood making its way from her arm to the sink. She didn't realize that she had sobbed until the blonde turned to face her. She was crying, but her eyes were empty. They were plain and simply bare. Anger hit her quicker than she thought it could. Rushing in she snatched the blade from Peyton, throwing it across the small bathroom. Looking to Peyton her vision was blurry from the tears. One word, one word was all she could manage. "Why?"

Something inside the blonde snapped. In that instant the numbness was gone. It was instead replaced with a rush of emotions, guilt being the heaviest. She watched as Brooke grabbed a towel, pressing it tightly against the fresh cut. That one word that came from Brooke's mouth went straight past her ears and burnt into her heart. "I don't want to feel anymore." It was all she could say and she knew it was the truth.

Brooke watched as her friend broke right there in front of her. She watched as the girl fell into her and cried. The only thing she could do right then and there was hold onto her. "I want you to be able to feel Peyton. If you can't, then you'll never be able to know how much I love you and how bad it hurts me to know that I can't protect you from yourself. Don't shut me out Peyt, you have to let me in."


	9. Chapter 9

Ok, don't give up on me....I know it's been a while. This chapter is short, I know. But I wanted to update with a not so dark chapter. It's a little fluff, but not too bad.

Chapter 9 A Day in the Sun

The blonde lay back on a blanket, Brooke next to her. They had been watching the waves crash into the beach. Rachel had suggested going to the beach, after the little incident earlier. She thought it would be a good idea to get out. Turns out the redhead was right.

Peyton looked over, catching sight of Brooke. She was beautiful. She thought of how Brooke had looked earlier, the hurt that had shown on her face when she caught her cutting. She hated to be the cause of any pain for her. Her eyes wandered and before she realized it she was intently staring at the brunette.

"Are you checking me out?" Brooke smiled as a blush formed on the blondes face.

Peyton raised an eyebrow. "Maybe. What if I was?" She reached over, slightly nudging the brunette.

Brooke shook her head as she continued to smile. Truth was, seeing Peyton smile like that, a true smile, it was everything to her. "Looks like maybe you're feeling better."

She forced herself to keep her eyes locked with the big brown ones that looked like they could read her soul at this very moment. "When I'm with you I always feel better."

Brooke smiled. She watched as Peyton propped herself up on her elbows. The look on her face was one that Brooke new well, it was the one she had when she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. "It's just me Peyt, say what your thinking."

Nodding, Peyton let out a sigh. "I'm sorry Brooke, I...I'm sorry about earlier." She watched as her friend nodded, nothing but pure forgiveness in her eyes.

They spent the afternoon at the beach, just enjoying each others company. A few times they were approached various guys, which only made them both laugh. Adding to the humor was Rachel, she would spend a few minutes with one guy, then move on to another. Somethings never change.

By the time the sun had started to set the girls had made there way back to the beach house. Peyton and Brooke watched as Rachel sat down, scrolling through the numbers on her cell phone.

"Looking for anyone in particular?" Brooke asked as she threw there towels into the laundry room.

"Well." The red head smiled as she looked from one girl to the other. "I took pictures of all the guys from the beach today, so now I have a face to go with the number."

"How many numbers did you get?" Peyton looked over Rachel's shoulder at the phone.

"27. And that's just the guys I was interested in. I also got six numbers from girls." Rachel winked at Peyton and smiled as the blondes mouth opened. "What, you think you're the only one who wants to try new things? Just be glad Brooke prefers blondes over redheads." Her smile grew as she got up and started for the stairs. Turning back she eyed Peyton as she spoke. "If you change your mind Brooke, I'll be in the shower."

Brooke watched amused as Peyton now seemed to be a little on the jealous side. "Don't worry P. Sawyer, I do prefer fake blondes." She smiled as she started for the stairs, breaking into a sprint as she saw her friend running playfully behind her.

She reached the bedroom a few steps before Peyton but didn't get the door shut before arms flung around her, tackling her on the floor. She felt her heart skip as she laid there for a minute. Peyton was sitting on top of her, her hands pinning Brooke's wrist down above her head. Her hair fell in loose curls framing her face. It took Brooke's breath for a moment. It took a minute for her to find her voice. "You do know I was joking, right?"

Peyton grinned as she leaned down her face just inches away from Brookes. "I know." She leaned in a little closer, her mouth inches from Brookes neck.

That was the thing about being friends for as long as they had been. They had shared story after story of the guys they had dated. Their likes, dislikes, even the things that drove them crazy. Peyton knew exactly what buttons Brooke had to push.

Now, as her lips were just inches away from Brookes neck, she let out a breath. The brunette beneath her shivered. She let her lips touch her neck this time, just barely, but enough to know they were there.

"Peyt."

Brookes voice was more hoarse now, Peyton could tell instantly what she was doing was working. She listened as her friends breaths were a little more unsteady, panting almost as she continued to place kisses on the girls neck.

"Peyton, um....hey."

Pushing her self up she was looking again into those deep brown eyes. She couldn't help but grin, she could see how badly the girl beneath her wanted this. "Yea Brooke."

Brooke cleared her throat, trying desperately to calm her breathing. "You...um....we should stop."

Peyton's grin grew even wider as she heard her friend struggle to speak. "What makes you think I was going to go any further." She lifted herself from the floor off of her friend.

Brooke lay there for a minute, still trying to get her breathing back to normal. "That was just mean Sawyer." She lifted herself up, noticing the giggling from her friend.


End file.
